I was a bitch today :). It was awesome. It came out automatically. Chuck started breathing down my neck 3 mins after I got into work and I absolutely HATE that. Why do they gotta jump on my case right away, let me wake up a little more. Anyway I got really rude later in the morning early afternoon cuz my blood sugar levels dropped. When they stress me out my body goes into hyper anxiety mode and uses more energy, but I need more energy to replace that and then they don't let me leave for lunch til 2:30? I dont think so. So I ate at my desk at 1:30 and didn't clock out, I was angry. I think I'm still low on the blood sugar even with a coke and stuff but I'm also starting to stress about random things. And I know I'm bored when I get home so it's not the greatest thing to look forward to.
Hopefully some plans will come through tonight and that will be different and fun. It's nice to visit with friends you don't get to see often.
I'm feeling a taco night? or am I feeling pasta?!
Pasta is easier :)
Monday, July 9, 2007
Saturday, July 7, 2007
The newest arrival in the terms of Blog Posts.
As time has gone by and my life starts to settle back into a rhythm I find it time to start thinking again. Maybe complaining but always learning. If I had a more hectic schedule and a less determined will to get myself in my 'right' place then this blog may not be. I am not saying this particular post, but from here on out this blog will be a project of mine. It should help me figure things out, or at least help me feel as though I am really trying to figure things out.
As I went to bed last night I was very content, even with the day's uneventful happenings. I have only one worry and of course it involves being alone for the rest of my days. I do believe I will find someone, or those someones to take up the time until death comes knocking on my door and I understand that I am too young and unstable to really be making such a morbid statement, but alas this is how I feel once again.
Last night was interesting. Not in the, "Whoa, my neighbor totally threw up over the balcony onto a little girl which started a fight between apartment dwellers." No of course nothing of that caliber ever happens around thy dwellings. I just mean it just brought back a series of thoughts that will always be a part of my life. Unfortunately they do not make life easier, as all interesting thoughts, but it just brings out more curiosity for a dumbass cat to try to figure out.
More questions that just don't have answers. The questions that bring up stability with one's own self. I make this sound so dramatic when really it is not.
What happened was a series of requests to ultimately define another person. Not by words, but by actions. This is something I am not interested in and I am tired of. When I ask to hang out with someone, it is truly because I want to spend time with that person. I do not want to jump on them and have crazy animal sex. I do not want to take advantage of their personality and cause them drama. I actually want to just be around them, soak in them, see what they say and react accordingly. Online, reactions are thought about too much before delivered. In reality that does not happen. I like to watch people think. Oddly enough, except for very few exceptions, I find those who I want to be around are men... well boys attempting to be men and delivering a poor performance. Men intrigue me, not in the sexual way which is always obvious between heterosexual beings, but in general. I deal better with guys. Guys and I don't need to continue to talk to be around one another... though you all might think that is craziness coming from Jen Engle and my insanity with talking all the time, but after I delve a little into a guy I am finally comfortable to not talk and be. This I was recently informed is "couply". So, if I want to be comfortable with my friends to the point of couply, I dont care as long as they don't care. I just think I am always on a little strong and men think I am always expecting something insanely serious out of such a 'couply' relationship. Alas, the word relationship.
When I want, which is always, to be around men, I am not seeking spending the rest of my days, I am too afraid of the consequences anymore. On a regular basis I freak Jesse (my favorite best guy friend... Brady, Blake, and the rest of you... there are reasons for the favorite, and as you all are close to me should know the reasons already). I freak him out regularly, almost as a game for myself, but also as a reminder that life sucks. I do not think he knows this and I know his girlfriend doesn't, but reminding myself of unfairness keeps me more modest and less aggressive than I would be capable.
On a side note about my guy friends. I have asked several to teach me to play the guitar. It hasn't happened. I have also asked a few to teach me computer programs, this has not happened. For those of you who take the time to read this and actually realize it's you I am speaking of here, I HONESTLY and do really want to learn these things. It should be a compliment to you that I asked you to enlighten me on the subjects. Yes it can be a pain in the ass to teach someone something, but when it comes to music, it is in itself rewarding and you wouldn't have to be around for my own reward. Pointers and tips and a few cords could get me on my way, but of course none of you have any patience for me. When it comes to computer programs, because you were not a part of any of my GD courses you do not understand how I work with programs. My friend Lindsey and I, one of the few females I can be around while sober, would bounce code back and forth outloud trying to figure out where the glitches were in our own designs... it was awesome and really I'd like to learn the programs, borrow books, teach myself some things and then have you help me figure out the glitches by hand. As computer nerds you understand the excitement when you get it to work. It's almost pure happiness even for those few seconds... right before the rainbow swirly of death and an automatic shutdown. :) Rainbow swirlys of death... awe what a beautiful thing Mac has. :)
Okay, so I am quite happy with this blog. It has come out more elloquently then I before thought and I have not been upset about anything tremendous recently to make it sound as though the sky is falling down around me. Hopefully I got my point across to some of you, and I wish the others would just figure it out or ask.
I work better with guys as friends... and so what if I'm looking for a boyfriend, maybe you're not my boyfriend material and maybe I already know this and love you as a friend, as I have found with the best and closest of my guy friends. Though one of you I am still disappointed that nothing happened and cannot happen now because of your own situation, but I will live and hopefully live the rest of my days with a great friendship which as society keeps shoving in my face, is a better thing to have than a horrible marriage and false love.
Wow this turned negative all of a sudden... ignore it and please let me know what any of you are thinking...whether it be that I'm sad and lonely and need to find a better hobby... (guess what... I started drawing again today and I plan on starting a painting this afternoon or tomorrow :)... that's the hobby that will make some things a little easier in my life. Or whether it be "you go girl". I don't care I'd just like to know someone cared enough about me to read what I have to say.
PS I'd like it if someone would go to the zoo with me this next week or weekend. If I had money today I'd go, it's gorgeous out and animals need love and support too. :) Oh and I'd also be up for a movie or bowling and none of them have to be dates... i just want to be doing things.
Time for a nap and maybe some furniture rearrangement. :)
As I went to bed last night I was very content, even with the day's uneventful happenings. I have only one worry and of course it involves being alone for the rest of my days. I do believe I will find someone, or those someones to take up the time until death comes knocking on my door and I understand that I am too young and unstable to really be making such a morbid statement, but alas this is how I feel once again.
Last night was interesting. Not in the, "Whoa, my neighbor totally threw up over the balcony onto a little girl which started a fight between apartment dwellers." No of course nothing of that caliber ever happens around thy dwellings. I just mean it just brought back a series of thoughts that will always be a part of my life. Unfortunately they do not make life easier, as all interesting thoughts, but it just brings out more curiosity for a dumbass cat to try to figure out.
More questions that just don't have answers. The questions that bring up stability with one's own self. I make this sound so dramatic when really it is not.
What happened was a series of requests to ultimately define another person. Not by words, but by actions. This is something I am not interested in and I am tired of. When I ask to hang out with someone, it is truly because I want to spend time with that person. I do not want to jump on them and have crazy animal sex. I do not want to take advantage of their personality and cause them drama. I actually want to just be around them, soak in them, see what they say and react accordingly. Online, reactions are thought about too much before delivered. In reality that does not happen. I like to watch people think. Oddly enough, except for very few exceptions, I find those who I want to be around are men... well boys attempting to be men and delivering a poor performance. Men intrigue me, not in the sexual way which is always obvious between heterosexual beings, but in general. I deal better with guys. Guys and I don't need to continue to talk to be around one another... though you all might think that is craziness coming from Jen Engle and my insanity with talking all the time, but after I delve a little into a guy I am finally comfortable to not talk and be. This I was recently informed is "couply". So, if I want to be comfortable with my friends to the point of couply, I dont care as long as they don't care. I just think I am always on a little strong and men think I am always expecting something insanely serious out of such a 'couply' relationship. Alas, the word relationship.
When I want, which is always, to be around men, I am not seeking spending the rest of my days, I am too afraid of the consequences anymore. On a regular basis I freak Jesse (my favorite best guy friend... Brady, Blake, and the rest of you... there are reasons for the favorite, and as you all are close to me should know the reasons already). I freak him out regularly, almost as a game for myself, but also as a reminder that life sucks. I do not think he knows this and I know his girlfriend doesn't, but reminding myself of unfairness keeps me more modest and less aggressive than I would be capable.
On a side note about my guy friends. I have asked several to teach me to play the guitar. It hasn't happened. I have also asked a few to teach me computer programs, this has not happened. For those of you who take the time to read this and actually realize it's you I am speaking of here, I HONESTLY and do really want to learn these things. It should be a compliment to you that I asked you to enlighten me on the subjects. Yes it can be a pain in the ass to teach someone something, but when it comes to music, it is in itself rewarding and you wouldn't have to be around for my own reward. Pointers and tips and a few cords could get me on my way, but of course none of you have any patience for me. When it comes to computer programs, because you were not a part of any of my GD courses you do not understand how I work with programs. My friend Lindsey and I, one of the few females I can be around while sober, would bounce code back and forth outloud trying to figure out where the glitches were in our own designs... it was awesome and really I'd like to learn the programs, borrow books, teach myself some things and then have you help me figure out the glitches by hand. As computer nerds you understand the excitement when you get it to work. It's almost pure happiness even for those few seconds... right before the rainbow swirly of death and an automatic shutdown. :) Rainbow swirlys of death... awe what a beautiful thing Mac has. :)
Okay, so I am quite happy with this blog. It has come out more elloquently then I before thought and I have not been upset about anything tremendous recently to make it sound as though the sky is falling down around me. Hopefully I got my point across to some of you, and I wish the others would just figure it out or ask.
I work better with guys as friends... and so what if I'm looking for a boyfriend, maybe you're not my boyfriend material and maybe I already know this and love you as a friend, as I have found with the best and closest of my guy friends. Though one of you I am still disappointed that nothing happened and cannot happen now because of your own situation, but I will live and hopefully live the rest of my days with a great friendship which as society keeps shoving in my face, is a better thing to have than a horrible marriage and false love.
Wow this turned negative all of a sudden... ignore it and please let me know what any of you are thinking...whether it be that I'm sad and lonely and need to find a better hobby... (guess what... I started drawing again today and I plan on starting a painting this afternoon or tomorrow :)... that's the hobby that will make some things a little easier in my life. Or whether it be "you go girl". I don't care I'd just like to know someone cared enough about me to read what I have to say.
PS I'd like it if someone would go to the zoo with me this next week or weekend. If I had money today I'd go, it's gorgeous out and animals need love and support too. :) Oh and I'd also be up for a movie or bowling and none of them have to be dates... i just want to be doing things.
Time for a nap and maybe some furniture rearrangement. :)
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