Fuck.

Are you serious? Just to add to the pile of shit that seems to be cooking all around me. Of course, right?! Let everyone get engaged, let everyone find someone for them, let everyone get in a fight with me and please, God, please... let me screw up some more at work.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive!

Even after brief spurts of happiness, I can't seem to hold onto it.

I've been alone for so long and strong about things for so long, why give in now? Why let everything get to me... maybe it's because it's EVERYTHING. No money, gaining weight, losing friends, no men, no fun... NO FUN.

No one is spontaneous. No one ever asks me. It sounds as though I depend on everyone but when I call and no one calls back, when I message and no one responds, it's depressing.

Maybe that brief moment on the bridge was a good idea, most likely not, but the fact I've thought about it when not drunk and not upset about anything, is a huge red flag. I've been waving it and the people who I thought would care, don't. Some do, some just are oblivious to all that is me.

I'm just tired of it all.

K, time to go fix food, find a chick flick and wait for some awesome sobbing for no reason. I might even get a chapter or two in there somewhere before passing out.

Are there any clinical studies showing the emotional effects of Ambien? Do they deepen depression or cause it in any way? I can only think of this change in life that has messed with anything chemically.


And PS: I'm not all doom and gloom. I bought a new swimsuit today and on the way to work a guy in a truck kept pulling up to look at me, when I finally looked at him he blushed, as did I, and he waved. It was cute and pathetic.

the last blog doesn't make sense unless i explain it a bit and you'll have to ask

Continuation of the blob

today and last night I have been quite figity. I do not know if this is because of my sleep pattern or for the fact that my brain just keeps going and leaves me far behind.
I do sense that this could be the cause for my recent requests for human contact other than work.

Pause for a brief moment and wonder.... close your eyes after reading the rest, and imagin you're at the top of a hill, grassy knoll, and you have a sweet spring breeze coming up toward you.

Each time I've closed my eyes for thoughts, this is what keeps coming up, beauty and dismissal. The beauty of the thought and the immidiate dismissal that it is not actually happening. It is quite deterring.

I just watched most of a good movie... Premonition. With Sandra Bullock. trippy things going on after bringing up thoughts of God and the Holy Grail from the movie before.

Skip back skip back, everything we hold dear most likely can't be held blame, responsible, truthful, right, or wrong.

How can you face God at church and in your mind and deny him. He may very well be there, it is the faith you deny not necessarily the belief. You can believe he's there or you may believe he's not... but you are believing...... something!!!

I'm not making any sense. I'm seriously sad. Look at how gross I am. No wonder no one wants to have anything to do with me. Then on top of that, having no self esteem makes me not want to go meet new people and try new things. Slowly and steadily I will.

I'd just like wonderful to show up for a while and fix some things.

Blob

I can't win. I got things wrong today. I got yelled at. Not really yelled at but discouragely spoken to dilligently. I got my hair cut. I went to look in the mirror and I AM DISGUSTING. This is how I feel right now.

If I have no self esteem then how can I get someone to like me if I don't like me? And nothing is working for me. It's so depressing and dumb.

Little Did They Know

Mah Ha ha ha ha.... someone gave me more credit today, to purchase things. It helps but I also got a little surprised. I do not have the best track record. Not on purpose for sure. Bills pile up, some things become more important than paying on time.

Anyway, the following is what I was able to purchase. Hopefully it goes well with the new headboard/footboard set I am getting delivered Saturday. I'm so super excited. I'll feel like such a grown up. Anyway, the bed part was previously purchased. The bedspread is what was bought today. It is reversible... cool! I know. What do you think? really...















The Chinese fan with the dragons will be coming down because the headboard is so large. Also, the crap in the corner will be cleaned up and cleared out. I'm just excited to feel like a grown-up again. My first furniture purchase :). I'm a huge nerd, but it'd kind of AWESOME!

I'll be sure to post pictures of it all together once it arrives and the correct skirt and everything is picked up etc.

Everyone pray that Joey does not purposely destroy this one or pee, puke, chew on, cough on, or shit on it. Same for me. :)

Sorry this is so superficial tonight. I hope all is well. Today was a better day than yesterday.

Goodnight, Love to all, Jengle

Insomnia

I think the mini-stress, the idea of mice, the lack of allergy meds, and missing people has got to me. Waking up at this time of morning to pee is one thing, staying up to walk around, watch tv, and get online is a problem I like to call my insomnia.

I woke up earlier because I couldn't get comfortable. I couldn't get comfortable because my chest was hurting. Having all the fans on to keep the place cool stirs up all the dust, the one airborne allergen I am susceptible to.

The reason I complain about these allergies and do nothing about them:
I called the pharmacy and set up my refill on Saturday. By the time I got there to pick it up, they were closed. Saturday was my last dose. Sunday really wasn't so terribly bad. Being outside, walking around, and sweating in the humidity I think kept it all at bay believe it or not.
Today, well technically yesterday (Monday), I didn't want to make Joey stay in his box for a really long time. So now, my plan, hoping the pharmacy is ready for me before I go to work, is to pick it up on the way into work. We'll see how productive that gets. I can't be late anymore.

Anyway, I got the asthma under control I think for temporary.

Itchy

You know when people ask you, "Have you ever just had one of those days?"

This was my today. Monday. I don't usually mind Mondays. I get paid, I plan out my week, I figure out some shit.

Today, it was like a backwards day. Nothing got figured out. I cried. I got mad. My allergies are going insane and my skin is crawling.

(my allergies are skin related)

I even tried just lying still in clean sheets, naked. Nope, didn't help. After the cool sheets got warm, everything itched. It's not like hives this time. It's like that really bad dry itch that you get the middle of December after you've turned on your electric blanket and stopped putting lotion on your skin to rehydrate. But not just your legs and you arms... EVERYWHERE. My face itches, my ankle itches, my eyeballs itch... not the way you'd think... you know all red and watery. Not they are like itchy eyelids and.... BLAH

On to less disgusting things.
I came home a little pissed off and very sad. So instead of the normal routine of Dirty Jobs, I picked a movie I recorded the other day, "The Lake House." I like Keanue Reeves, even though he's not the most talented actor & I like Sandra Bullock and him together. I think Keanue gets better with age, at least a little sexier.

I pretty much love this movie. It's a little different. I cried though. Probably too much, mostly because of the day I had.

You can tell, I want to talk about it, but I don't.

----

Other: My parents called me today and wanted to know if we're camping for the 4th. I said I'm not, it's normally too hot and I don't want to be babysitter. I rented a campsite for 3 nights. Who knows if anyone will even go out to it, but it's reserved and by the water at the lake and you can see the dam from it. This is important, as the Army Corp of Engineers shoots the fireworks off of the dam each year.

Anyone who wants to road trip it to Kansas let me know I'm sure we'll have room but you'll have to deal with my crazy family and it looks like both sides ... cool stuff, for real. They're crazy in all the good ways! :)

Love to all and to all a good night!

Of Mice & Men

Living by yourself has it perks but also it's downsides. I just woke up from Joey barking hysterically. It frightens me because I don't have another person here and at 4:15 AM there really shouldn't be much going on.

Au Contraire (sp?).

The day Sara moved out I started some spring cleaning of my own. I got the kitchen table half-way decent. It's messy again. I started cleaning things out of my room. I also got under the kitchen sink to see what was down there. Much to my surprise, there were mouse droppings, or what I thought looked similar to the mouse droppings I had seen in the past.

We had mice a few times when we lived in Lawrence and my parents fought an infestation (sounds worse than it was) of a family of mice last year. They were just in the basement, you know, eating through all of MY belongings. Who knows what they were after? I had stuff ruined from fecal matter and them just chewing on everything. Anyway, I can say that I definitely thought these were mouse turds.

I called the apartment complex and left a message. I think they think I complain about everything, but mice turds is sort of a big deal. If they aren't mice turds then they are really big insect turds... YIKES.

Anyway, they apartment complex put out a notice that the spring exterminator was going to be in our building the other day. I called to see if it was the building or my apartment because sometimes I can't tell from the notices (of course the world revolves around me and mine, so I just wanted to make sure). He was going to do a building a day or something to that affect. They said they would tell him to take an extra look and let me know.

Side Note: Yesterday... Saturday morning I pulled on the ONE drawer I have in the kitchen. The front panel broke off. So I called the office to get a maintenance request. I asked them about the exterminator and they didn't really know. It's ok, sometimes they don't communicate with each other.

I found out the exterminator was coming after I bought a mouse trap and some ant traps. It's spring/summer after all and ants liked our apartment for brief moments last year.

I set the trap right after I got off the phone with the office about the drawer.

Now, back to 4:20. Joey was barking. He came back from the kitchen area seemingly fine, I turned on my light and he just wagged his tail, like "Sorry Mom, I got scared." Stupid Dog!
I sat there for a minute in the bed and decided to check the mouse trap. I didn't hear anything but I usually don't until he barks.

I looked but couldn't tell but the trigger was up, not down like it's supposed to be when set (if I kill a mouse I don't want to see it so it's a covered up trap) and NO WAY was I pulling it out if there was one. So I went and got the flashlight.... much to my amazement, I saw gray fur and a little tail.

The office will be hearing from me tomorrow. I'm pissed. I mean I'm glad I caught it but for real. It was supposed to be taken care of and who knows if there's one, there's more and I don't want to be dealing with dead mice every day/night. YUCK!

People need to get their cats busy.

Mice don't live inside... and definitely NOT in MY kitchen. EWE..... I just want to go buy a bucket and some lysol and some lysol arisol and disinfect everything..... BLAH!

I hate killing things, except for ants, I hate ants more. I don't mind spiders if they stay away from me. They do their part to help. I hate a lot of insects but furry things. I try to avoid killing. Yes, I am a swerve'r of squirrels and rabbits. Yes, I talk to birds and squirrels when I am walking. I'm still a child a heart. I like these things, but I do not want to LIVE with them. Joey is an exception... he interacts with me for real. He depends on me for all of his food, not just the occasional rummage through the cabinet. He also has control of his bowel movements, whereas mice don't. Can you tell I'm uber pissed off right now and completely disgusted?

I am! I want to go wake everyone up. I'm not taking it out of the trap until morning and I feel safe walking to the dumpster. The other morning when I was walking Joey we saw what I think was a crack pipe in the grass where we're supposed to walk the dogs. I was like, "Oh great, I feel really safe now walking him back here!" I called Des Moines Narcotics that morning but didn't tell the office. Now I think I'd better. They've got some issues on their hands and I'm already sick of it.

It's like the first year is the honeymoon year and after that they don't pay attention and everything goes wrong. PSHh. I aint doin' it!

Update on the Update

I just read November's post. I guess some might like another update besides what Joey and I did today :)

On my birthday, November 29th I started working for Plaza Printers in Urbandale as their Graphic Designer/Pre-press. I love it. Very cool people. I'm busy all the time. I don't get yelled at for nothing, there's usually a good reason. I don't dread work. Work just makes me wish, like all do, that there were more hours in each day in order to get everything done and make everyone happy.

My mom broke her leg in November, right before Thanksgiving. It was a good thing I was unemployed because I was able to go home and stay there for a week helping her get around and to the doctor etc. and to help my dad.

My parents are doing well now! I'm really proud of both of them.

Withers moved out recently and I am writing from my new awesome office :). I will have to give it a name soon e.g. the bat cave. Or something.

I recently got satellite and you can see my internet is up and working.

For those of you who don't know, Joey is my dog. Here is a photo. He's pretty awesome. He gives high fives and talks, and dances.

Snaking

I have had an excellent day. Nothing spectacular, nothing so dull I had to write country songs about, but pleasant enough.

A few hours ago, I sat watching Indiana Jones Raiders of the Lost Ark. I DVR'd it the other day. Huge fan of this DVR stuff. I watched 300 last night. Never would have otherwise. It was a lot better than I thought. I thought it was going to be more gladiator-like and I'm super glad it wasn't. I was also impressed with the graphics. I was expecting awesome graphics as everyone told me I would really enjoy them. They have spawned an idea or series of ideas for a painting. So much for Koi and another mermaid. Back, blood, and rust will be running amok in it now. Perhaps, I will change my mind again.

After sitting and watching TV and doing laundry all day. I found myself bored and disappointed in myself for not accomplishing more today. So, I grabbed Joey after changing clothes and drove down Fluer. I wanted to see the water.

Once at the barracade, I was not satisfied with the slight glimpse of the pond sitting over Fluer. I had to see more. We drove over the 7th St. Bridge and followed 3rd Street to my favorite Bar Duet, Miller High Life and El Bait Shop. We parked and walked east over the railroad tracks to a rush of water.

Joey was busy sniffing all the dirt and grass and stink of sweaty people and sand. I was busy taking pictures of the pedestrian bridge I had failed to notice previously though I have been on the other bridges several times over the years. Who knows how I could miss a bright red bridge, my favorite color. I blame alcohol and tricks of light (there being none at night).

Oh well. Joey and I walked about 1/2 mile. Pretty good for a short fat girl and small goofy dog. My legs are tired and Joey is not passed out. :) No playing tonight, and I am fine with it all.

Snaking this is because of the memories of '93 flood. The movie Indiana Jones with all the snakes and the river itself. Winding down, threatening all she meets.