Fuck.

Are you serious? Just to add to the pile of shit that seems to be cooking all around me. Of course, right?! Let everyone get engaged, let everyone find someone for them, let everyone get in a fight with me and please, God, please... let me screw up some more at work.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive!

Even after brief spurts of happiness, I can't seem to hold onto it.

I've been alone for so long and strong about things for so long, why give in now? Why let everything get to me... maybe it's because it's EVERYTHING. No money, gaining weight, losing friends, no men, no fun... NO FUN.

No one is spontaneous. No one ever asks me. It sounds as though I depend on everyone but when I call and no one calls back, when I message and no one responds, it's depressing.

Maybe that brief moment on the bridge was a good idea, most likely not, but the fact I've thought about it when not drunk and not upset about anything, is a huge red flag. I've been waving it and the people who I thought would care, don't. Some do, some just are oblivious to all that is me.

I'm just tired of it all.

K, time to go fix food, find a chick flick and wait for some awesome sobbing for no reason. I might even get a chapter or two in there somewhere before passing out.

Are there any clinical studies showing the emotional effects of Ambien? Do they deepen depression or cause it in any way? I can only think of this change in life that has messed with anything chemically.


And PS: I'm not all doom and gloom. I bought a new swimsuit today and on the way to work a guy in a truck kept pulling up to look at me, when I finally looked at him he blushed, as did I, and he waved. It was cute and pathetic.