like a fool

I feel like such a fool. I don't know if I'm just getting played or if something bad has happened or if I'm just dealing with a man I shouldn't be dealing with. It's starting to make me sick.

I'm not really sure... wait I know what happened. My guard was down for someone and I didn't have time to put it back up and then I got swept off my feet but now I'm getting swept aside and don't even know which direction.

Pretty much nothing I do tonight will be able to fix my mood and not being able to get a hold of someone is my biggest concern and bother in life. It annoys me more than scraping forks. It turns me into the worst kind of female.

One of the bad things is I have nothing to base any trust off of. Nothing to compare this situation to except another night that I couldn't get in touch.

I'm sure if this happened months ago or years ago I'd be reading this and be pissed or laughing at myself for my own stupidity. I should know better. I'm a strong woman with serious goals in life and I'm pretty dependable for my friends & limited family.

La familia and I are not on the best of terms at the moment so loyalties lie with Joey. He can't tell secrets. He can't gossip. He can't make me feel bad. He's a dog :). He's a very cute dog.
I heart him. Here is the latest picture of him and me. We took it either yesterday or the day before.
I like this one because he has his tongue movin' like the crazy kisser he is. I mean "Lickas". :)

Jeeze my eyes are scary. I look like I'm going on 30 and I have too many years before that. Yikes!!!

clarity

I might have got a little closure today.

I got a response with no explanation but maybe there should not have been one... an explanation that is. Maybe I read too much into it. Anyway, things have been clarified. It is a difficult clarity and a little painful but se la vi.

On another note. I can't seem to get ahold of this boyfriend of mine. It's almost like being in high school. I'm not a fan. How do you plan dates or anything without contact? I'm very frustrated.

By the way, the latest issue of PRINT is pretty awesome! I want to be a graphic designer for movies. There are people who design the tile floors, the crazy wallpaper, the fake marble. I want to do that... it's like the sweetest job ever and perfect for me since I love pattern so much. This might be a new goal. I will have to do some serious research on it and I might have to go back to school for a textile design degree or something and meet famous people with lots of money and who like my designs :). That's not so difficult.

Speaking of my designs... I need to get back on this painting. The blue abyss is missing a mermaid and I've already got the next painting in my head.

unfortunate

You know what I realized as I woke up. I watched none of the Olympics. I missed the Opening Ceremony. I missed the Closing Ceremony. I missed all of the controversy.
The only things I did see were in a bar. It's sad how my priorities left the Olympics out!

so different

It's hilarious how things work. You see things going your way for a short bit, then you are bombarded with crazy things and end up in bizaar situations.

I thought things were going well. I had fallen for a guy, then I had fallen for another guy. I had waited so long and of course everything hits at once. It doesn't matter how things happen, or when or who they happen with.

None of it matters. Something or someone will come along and try to mess it up. They never think they are messing with your life too.

Unfortunately I let people do this to me. Two men have come along and hurt me in different ways then I get the lovely mother lecture and I'm supposed to want to listen.

HAa! I don't tell anyone every little detail. I don't trust anyone. Look at what happened this time.

I briefly talk to a cousin. She talks to my uncle. My uncle talks to my dad. I had already told my dad but my mother thinks she learned everything because I had spoken to my cousin. It's ridiculous.

More and more reasons to stay where I am. No one can get to me here. Not even crazy stalkers. I'm not letting anyone into my heart for a while. We'll see if it takes years now. The last time it took almost a year to let anyone get close. I let them in and I get stomped on. I don't even think the people who stomp on me realize they are doing it. I think I just find the people who go through life only worried about themselves.

A 40 min talk with my dad tonight helped a little bit but just makes me want to stay here more. Moving home is not a good idea, not right now. I'm not a child and once I move back that's just what I will be. I will have tabs kept on me.

Everyone thinks I'm the crazy alcoholic. The free spirit. The one who only thinks about herself. Well I don't drink alone. I only get out of hand when I'm with certain people. I am dissapointed in everyone's view of me.

I just share too much information with the wrong people. My family doesn't know how I am. That I am a recluse, refusing to go find things to do. I'm afraid to make new friends because I know how the old ones have treated me. The sorority really messed me up for future female friendships. All the frienships that I thought were real weren't. It's not easy to heal from that and I'm starting on year three.

I guard my heart so much now. I try to keep the friends I have. I notice that I try to make more male friends than female. Men are easier for me to get along with. There's less back stabbing and gossip.

The girl friends I do have are hard to make plans with because we're all so independent and no one remembers that I exist half of the time. Only when it's convenient for them. I'm sure I'm the same way with some friends. I try my hardest though. I try to catch myself.

Maybe it's because I'm not out and about. Maybe people think I'm involved in things when I'm not. No one invites me to do anything unless they think I'm extremely sad. There's no thought of Jennifer unless they are worried... I don't talk to some people because of this. Why worry them. I have the friends to call and laugh with, the ones to share my secrets. I have my Blake and my Sara(h)s and my Jesse. All of these are in limited capacity the older we get. Maybe the opposite with Blake. We talk more the older we get. The older I get the more I appreciate his oddness and how much he does care. If he could, he would fix it all. I would do the same for him. I thought I found someone just like him... well almost... but of course it hasn't worked.

It's all disappointing. I have found another nice guy, but I have no idea if I'm getting played or not. Everyone tells me I must be. I just don't know.

I miss people. I miss Ethan, Jesse, & Blake the most. I also miss Kristin & Erin. ::sigh::
Some of these people hurt my insides when I think about them.

I've also had two or three dreams of late with my grandparents. They always come visit when things are awry. It doesn't comfort it just makes me sad. Makes me wonder how different of a person I would be with their support. How different our entire family would be with them. How my perspective on life would be so different....

Minimal Update

Life is good at the moment. I will blog later.