The Edge

I have no idea where to start. I can't even keep up with myself but I need to get things out. I'm attacking people in response to my own life and dumb issues. Still issues, but dumb ones.
This is why shit hits the fan. Picking at the mundane and all of a sudden freaking out about the redundance of life.

I'm so tired of so many things. I miss school. I know I'm not the only one. Functioning outside isn't really easy. How do we make friends if we only go to work and come home to crash?

Like friends & family say, "the lucky ones are the ones who got hitched or engaged while still in school" because after we're out it's a fucking scary place to be by yourself.

I seem to catch myself in bizzaar whirl winds of emotion and deadness. I go numb for a few days, pretend I'm fine when I realize it and then FREAK OUT about something. I am tired of this cycle.

I'm also tired of friends and loved ones being far away, but I LIKE where I am. I like my job. I like where I live. I like Des Moines. I'm too broke to try someplace new and too afraid to lay it all on the line. Chi-town started calling to me again lately and I was recently reminded of how bitterly cold it can be.

At least I'd have a few college friends to rely on. Here I do not feel like i can rely on anyone.

Everyone seems out for themselves right now too. I know we're all stressing about the election and the economy. I know I'm just as guilty if not more so. I forget to ask people how they are and really care about their response.

Today two old men came into work, at different times. People need others and rely on others. I helped them both make copies... seriously just a copy. It's endearing to know that simple tasks can mean sooo much. :) all 64 cents. jk

I dunno, it makes me miss my grandpa. He wasn't quite helpless but definitely jumbled up easily when it came to electronics/computers/VCRs etc. I wonder if DVDs were even out yet the last time I saw him. ::sigh:: I didn't mean to think of him. More tears to fall. It's the love and lost thing.

In all honesty, I miss high school. I miss having Carlos or an equivalent. I miss being busy. I miss being free to go do shit and having people to make plans with. Having someone to go drink coffee with downtown and someone to go drive out to the Lake with and someone to go rummage the Dusty Bookshelf and someone to go to Old Navy with. I miss choir and orchestra... ya believe it. I had a CD in of old faves and Bohemian Rhapsody is on it.. totally brought back fond memories of forcing our Orchestra teacher Mrs. Bassow to let us play it for 9th grade or 10th grade concert. Maybe we played it both years.

I'm just unhappy tonight. I dont have a means to an end and it's frustrating the fuck out of me.