The Edge

I have no idea where to start. I can't even keep up with myself but I need to get things out. I'm attacking people in response to my own life and dumb issues. Still issues, but dumb ones.
This is why shit hits the fan. Picking at the mundane and all of a sudden freaking out about the redundance of life.

I'm so tired of so many things. I miss school. I know I'm not the only one. Functioning outside isn't really easy. How do we make friends if we only go to work and come home to crash?

Like friends & family say, "the lucky ones are the ones who got hitched or engaged while still in school" because after we're out it's a fucking scary place to be by yourself.

I seem to catch myself in bizzaar whirl winds of emotion and deadness. I go numb for a few days, pretend I'm fine when I realize it and then FREAK OUT about something. I am tired of this cycle.

I'm also tired of friends and loved ones being far away, but I LIKE where I am. I like my job. I like where I live. I like Des Moines. I'm too broke to try someplace new and too afraid to lay it all on the line. Chi-town started calling to me again lately and I was recently reminded of how bitterly cold it can be.

At least I'd have a few college friends to rely on. Here I do not feel like i can rely on anyone.

Everyone seems out for themselves right now too. I know we're all stressing about the election and the economy. I know I'm just as guilty if not more so. I forget to ask people how they are and really care about their response.

Today two old men came into work, at different times. People need others and rely on others. I helped them both make copies... seriously just a copy. It's endearing to know that simple tasks can mean sooo much. :) all 64 cents. jk

I dunno, it makes me miss my grandpa. He wasn't quite helpless but definitely jumbled up easily when it came to electronics/computers/VCRs etc. I wonder if DVDs were even out yet the last time I saw him. ::sigh:: I didn't mean to think of him. More tears to fall. It's the love and lost thing.

In all honesty, I miss high school. I miss having Carlos or an equivalent. I miss being busy. I miss being free to go do shit and having people to make plans with. Having someone to go drink coffee with downtown and someone to go drive out to the Lake with and someone to go rummage the Dusty Bookshelf and someone to go to Old Navy with. I miss choir and orchestra... ya believe it. I had a CD in of old faves and Bohemian Rhapsody is on it.. totally brought back fond memories of forcing our Orchestra teacher Mrs. Bassow to let us play it for 9th grade or 10th grade concert. Maybe we played it both years.

I'm just unhappy tonight. I dont have a means to an end and it's frustrating the fuck out of me.

Exhausted

I am exhausted from so many things.

People keep calling and asking the same stupid questions at work... the more you call people the less time I have to get your shit and everyone else's shit done. For real. WTF?

I'm starting to miss people again. I feel like my life only revolves around make believe friends online.... it's sad. It makes me mad at myself but what do u do? So tomorrow I'm going to go see a movie with someone. It should be fun but I feel like my mother. Completely alienating people just cuz I'm getting to close. Who knows. My dad pointed this out to me today, that she was starting to do that again.

:: sigh ::

Joey's here. I got home and it's nice to have something so excited that you exist. I've been talking to people on that fubar website. Online bar... kinda dumb but it seems to suck the time away. I think it's a place for a bunch of horny people to hang out. I've met some decent people but I get hit on and it makes me question motives. I dont wanna do that.

I wrote off two jerks the other day. I had a rough Tuesday. It was Aunt Betty's funeral day. I didn't get to go. I know she's not upset but I am. People knew I was down about it and yes even these two idiots I was talking to. My own fault for talking to them. They are idiots... I must be sensoring myself still from being at work.

I called in a complaint on one of the techies today. I just couldn't believe he'd come say it was fixed and then it not be fixed.... literally livid at him and told him that he needed to fix it cuz I thought it was already taken care of. That's the nicest version. Anyway Cindy and I were annoyed and I said you know... I'm gonna take care of this and called the company. I hardly ever complain about people but seriously we lost an entire day because of his shit or lack of it and that puts me behind for tomorrow. Which makes my Monday shitty.......

I need a fucking vacation. I'm tired of being here. I'm tired of having no one around. The men I seem to pick are complete losers or jerks or both. I can't seriously consider a guy I meet online because i have no way of knowing if they are legit or not. I don't want to go to the bar. I refuse to go to church. I have no motivation to do anything with anyone yet I keep expecting things to fall in my lap.

I dunno what I'm supposed to do.

I seem to piss people off when I'm not even sure how it's possible from what I say or how I say it. I'm tired of online conversations that really seem to mean nothing.

It's one thing to talk to Jesse, Blake or Sara online and catch up on shit we already know about. It's another fabricating some sort of friendship from nothing.... i guess fabricating things from nothing is my job. And that last relationship.... not all my fault that fabricated from nothing... wasn't even my fucking idea... yet I went along with it and ended up getting hurt, again.

Then I go and meet nice guys in real life.... just friends is what I'm told. I make such an ass out of myself. I dont know... i just want to scream and punch a bunch of my exs in the gut over and over again. I wish men and women would stop using eachother. I know it's a hypocritical thing to say... just...

I miss people. I really want a hug and to snuggle with someone right now.

What a bunch of crap life can be.... it will go on. no worries there!

like a fool

I feel like such a fool. I don't know if I'm just getting played or if something bad has happened or if I'm just dealing with a man I shouldn't be dealing with. It's starting to make me sick.

I'm not really sure... wait I know what happened. My guard was down for someone and I didn't have time to put it back up and then I got swept off my feet but now I'm getting swept aside and don't even know which direction.

Pretty much nothing I do tonight will be able to fix my mood and not being able to get a hold of someone is my biggest concern and bother in life. It annoys me more than scraping forks. It turns me into the worst kind of female.

One of the bad things is I have nothing to base any trust off of. Nothing to compare this situation to except another night that I couldn't get in touch.

I'm sure if this happened months ago or years ago I'd be reading this and be pissed or laughing at myself for my own stupidity. I should know better. I'm a strong woman with serious goals in life and I'm pretty dependable for my friends & limited family.

La familia and I are not on the best of terms at the moment so loyalties lie with Joey. He can't tell secrets. He can't gossip. He can't make me feel bad. He's a dog :). He's a very cute dog.
I heart him. Here is the latest picture of him and me. We took it either yesterday or the day before.
I like this one because he has his tongue movin' like the crazy kisser he is. I mean "Lickas". :)

Jeeze my eyes are scary. I look like I'm going on 30 and I have too many years before that. Yikes!!!