The Edge

I have no idea where to start. I can't even keep up with myself but I need to get things out. I'm attacking people in response to my own life and dumb issues. Still issues, but dumb ones.
This is why shit hits the fan. Picking at the mundane and all of a sudden freaking out about the redundance of life.

I'm so tired of so many things. I miss school. I know I'm not the only one. Functioning outside isn't really easy. How do we make friends if we only go to work and come home to crash?

Like friends & family say, "the lucky ones are the ones who got hitched or engaged while still in school" because after we're out it's a fucking scary place to be by yourself.

I seem to catch myself in bizzaar whirl winds of emotion and deadness. I go numb for a few days, pretend I'm fine when I realize it and then FREAK OUT about something. I am tired of this cycle.

I'm also tired of friends and loved ones being far away, but I LIKE where I am. I like my job. I like where I live. I like Des Moines. I'm too broke to try someplace new and too afraid to lay it all on the line. Chi-town started calling to me again lately and I was recently reminded of how bitterly cold it can be.

At least I'd have a few college friends to rely on. Here I do not feel like i can rely on anyone.

Everyone seems out for themselves right now too. I know we're all stressing about the election and the economy. I know I'm just as guilty if not more so. I forget to ask people how they are and really care about their response.

Today two old men came into work, at different times. People need others and rely on others. I helped them both make copies... seriously just a copy. It's endearing to know that simple tasks can mean sooo much. :) all 64 cents. jk

I dunno, it makes me miss my grandpa. He wasn't quite helpless but definitely jumbled up easily when it came to electronics/computers/VCRs etc. I wonder if DVDs were even out yet the last time I saw him. ::sigh:: I didn't mean to think of him. More tears to fall. It's the love and lost thing.

In all honesty, I miss high school. I miss having Carlos or an equivalent. I miss being busy. I miss being free to go do shit and having people to make plans with. Having someone to go drink coffee with downtown and someone to go drive out to the Lake with and someone to go rummage the Dusty Bookshelf and someone to go to Old Navy with. I miss choir and orchestra... ya believe it. I had a CD in of old faves and Bohemian Rhapsody is on it.. totally brought back fond memories of forcing our Orchestra teacher Mrs. Bassow to let us play it for 9th grade or 10th grade concert. Maybe we played it both years.

I'm just unhappy tonight. I dont have a means to an end and it's frustrating the fuck out of me.

Exhausted

I am exhausted from so many things.

People keep calling and asking the same stupid questions at work... the more you call people the less time I have to get your shit and everyone else's shit done. For real. WTF?

I'm starting to miss people again. I feel like my life only revolves around make believe friends online.... it's sad. It makes me mad at myself but what do u do? So tomorrow I'm going to go see a movie with someone. It should be fun but I feel like my mother. Completely alienating people just cuz I'm getting to close. Who knows. My dad pointed this out to me today, that she was starting to do that again.

:: sigh ::

Joey's here. I got home and it's nice to have something so excited that you exist. I've been talking to people on that fubar website. Online bar... kinda dumb but it seems to suck the time away. I think it's a place for a bunch of horny people to hang out. I've met some decent people but I get hit on and it makes me question motives. I dont wanna do that.

I wrote off two jerks the other day. I had a rough Tuesday. It was Aunt Betty's funeral day. I didn't get to go. I know she's not upset but I am. People knew I was down about it and yes even these two idiots I was talking to. My own fault for talking to them. They are idiots... I must be sensoring myself still from being at work.

I called in a complaint on one of the techies today. I just couldn't believe he'd come say it was fixed and then it not be fixed.... literally livid at him and told him that he needed to fix it cuz I thought it was already taken care of. That's the nicest version. Anyway Cindy and I were annoyed and I said you know... I'm gonna take care of this and called the company. I hardly ever complain about people but seriously we lost an entire day because of his shit or lack of it and that puts me behind for tomorrow. Which makes my Monday shitty.......

I need a fucking vacation. I'm tired of being here. I'm tired of having no one around. The men I seem to pick are complete losers or jerks or both. I can't seriously consider a guy I meet online because i have no way of knowing if they are legit or not. I don't want to go to the bar. I refuse to go to church. I have no motivation to do anything with anyone yet I keep expecting things to fall in my lap.

I dunno what I'm supposed to do.

I seem to piss people off when I'm not even sure how it's possible from what I say or how I say it. I'm tired of online conversations that really seem to mean nothing.

It's one thing to talk to Jesse, Blake or Sara online and catch up on shit we already know about. It's another fabricating some sort of friendship from nothing.... i guess fabricating things from nothing is my job. And that last relationship.... not all my fault that fabricated from nothing... wasn't even my fucking idea... yet I went along with it and ended up getting hurt, again.

Then I go and meet nice guys in real life.... just friends is what I'm told. I make such an ass out of myself. I dont know... i just want to scream and punch a bunch of my exs in the gut over and over again. I wish men and women would stop using eachother. I know it's a hypocritical thing to say... just...

I miss people. I really want a hug and to snuggle with someone right now.

What a bunch of crap life can be.... it will go on. no worries there!

like a fool

I feel like such a fool. I don't know if I'm just getting played or if something bad has happened or if I'm just dealing with a man I shouldn't be dealing with. It's starting to make me sick.

I'm not really sure... wait I know what happened. My guard was down for someone and I didn't have time to put it back up and then I got swept off my feet but now I'm getting swept aside and don't even know which direction.

Pretty much nothing I do tonight will be able to fix my mood and not being able to get a hold of someone is my biggest concern and bother in life. It annoys me more than scraping forks. It turns me into the worst kind of female.

One of the bad things is I have nothing to base any trust off of. Nothing to compare this situation to except another night that I couldn't get in touch.

I'm sure if this happened months ago or years ago I'd be reading this and be pissed or laughing at myself for my own stupidity. I should know better. I'm a strong woman with serious goals in life and I'm pretty dependable for my friends & limited family.

La familia and I are not on the best of terms at the moment so loyalties lie with Joey. He can't tell secrets. He can't gossip. He can't make me feel bad. He's a dog :). He's a very cute dog.
I heart him. Here is the latest picture of him and me. We took it either yesterday or the day before.
I like this one because he has his tongue movin' like the crazy kisser he is. I mean "Lickas". :)

Jeeze my eyes are scary. I look like I'm going on 30 and I have too many years before that. Yikes!!!

clarity

I might have got a little closure today.

I got a response with no explanation but maybe there should not have been one... an explanation that is. Maybe I read too much into it. Anyway, things have been clarified. It is a difficult clarity and a little painful but se la vi.

On another note. I can't seem to get ahold of this boyfriend of mine. It's almost like being in high school. I'm not a fan. How do you plan dates or anything without contact? I'm very frustrated.

By the way, the latest issue of PRINT is pretty awesome! I want to be a graphic designer for movies. There are people who design the tile floors, the crazy wallpaper, the fake marble. I want to do that... it's like the sweetest job ever and perfect for me since I love pattern so much. This might be a new goal. I will have to do some serious research on it and I might have to go back to school for a textile design degree or something and meet famous people with lots of money and who like my designs :). That's not so difficult.

Speaking of my designs... I need to get back on this painting. The blue abyss is missing a mermaid and I've already got the next painting in my head.

unfortunate

You know what I realized as I woke up. I watched none of the Olympics. I missed the Opening Ceremony. I missed the Closing Ceremony. I missed all of the controversy.
The only things I did see were in a bar. It's sad how my priorities left the Olympics out!

so different

It's hilarious how things work. You see things going your way for a short bit, then you are bombarded with crazy things and end up in bizaar situations.

I thought things were going well. I had fallen for a guy, then I had fallen for another guy. I had waited so long and of course everything hits at once. It doesn't matter how things happen, or when or who they happen with.

None of it matters. Something or someone will come along and try to mess it up. They never think they are messing with your life too.

Unfortunately I let people do this to me. Two men have come along and hurt me in different ways then I get the lovely mother lecture and I'm supposed to want to listen.

HAa! I don't tell anyone every little detail. I don't trust anyone. Look at what happened this time.

I briefly talk to a cousin. She talks to my uncle. My uncle talks to my dad. I had already told my dad but my mother thinks she learned everything because I had spoken to my cousin. It's ridiculous.

More and more reasons to stay where I am. No one can get to me here. Not even crazy stalkers. I'm not letting anyone into my heart for a while. We'll see if it takes years now. The last time it took almost a year to let anyone get close. I let them in and I get stomped on. I don't even think the people who stomp on me realize they are doing it. I think I just find the people who go through life only worried about themselves.

A 40 min talk with my dad tonight helped a little bit but just makes me want to stay here more. Moving home is not a good idea, not right now. I'm not a child and once I move back that's just what I will be. I will have tabs kept on me.

Everyone thinks I'm the crazy alcoholic. The free spirit. The one who only thinks about herself. Well I don't drink alone. I only get out of hand when I'm with certain people. I am dissapointed in everyone's view of me.

I just share too much information with the wrong people. My family doesn't know how I am. That I am a recluse, refusing to go find things to do. I'm afraid to make new friends because I know how the old ones have treated me. The sorority really messed me up for future female friendships. All the frienships that I thought were real weren't. It's not easy to heal from that and I'm starting on year three.

I guard my heart so much now. I try to keep the friends I have. I notice that I try to make more male friends than female. Men are easier for me to get along with. There's less back stabbing and gossip.

The girl friends I do have are hard to make plans with because we're all so independent and no one remembers that I exist half of the time. Only when it's convenient for them. I'm sure I'm the same way with some friends. I try my hardest though. I try to catch myself.

Maybe it's because I'm not out and about. Maybe people think I'm involved in things when I'm not. No one invites me to do anything unless they think I'm extremely sad. There's no thought of Jennifer unless they are worried... I don't talk to some people because of this. Why worry them. I have the friends to call and laugh with, the ones to share my secrets. I have my Blake and my Sara(h)s and my Jesse. All of these are in limited capacity the older we get. Maybe the opposite with Blake. We talk more the older we get. The older I get the more I appreciate his oddness and how much he does care. If he could, he would fix it all. I would do the same for him. I thought I found someone just like him... well almost... but of course it hasn't worked.

It's all disappointing. I have found another nice guy, but I have no idea if I'm getting played or not. Everyone tells me I must be. I just don't know.

I miss people. I miss Ethan, Jesse, & Blake the most. I also miss Kristin & Erin. ::sigh::
Some of these people hurt my insides when I think about them.

I've also had two or three dreams of late with my grandparents. They always come visit when things are awry. It doesn't comfort it just makes me sad. Makes me wonder how different of a person I would be with their support. How different our entire family would be with them. How my perspective on life would be so different....

Minimal Update

Life is good at the moment. I will blog later.

Fuck.

Are you serious? Just to add to the pile of shit that seems to be cooking all around me. Of course, right?! Let everyone get engaged, let everyone find someone for them, let everyone get in a fight with me and please, God, please... let me screw up some more at work.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive!

Even after brief spurts of happiness, I can't seem to hold onto it.

I've been alone for so long and strong about things for so long, why give in now? Why let everything get to me... maybe it's because it's EVERYTHING. No money, gaining weight, losing friends, no men, no fun... NO FUN.

No one is spontaneous. No one ever asks me. It sounds as though I depend on everyone but when I call and no one calls back, when I message and no one responds, it's depressing.

Maybe that brief moment on the bridge was a good idea, most likely not, but the fact I've thought about it when not drunk and not upset about anything, is a huge red flag. I've been waving it and the people who I thought would care, don't. Some do, some just are oblivious to all that is me.

I'm just tired of it all.

K, time to go fix food, find a chick flick and wait for some awesome sobbing for no reason. I might even get a chapter or two in there somewhere before passing out.

Are there any clinical studies showing the emotional effects of Ambien? Do they deepen depression or cause it in any way? I can only think of this change in life that has messed with anything chemically.


And PS: I'm not all doom and gloom. I bought a new swimsuit today and on the way to work a guy in a truck kept pulling up to look at me, when I finally looked at him he blushed, as did I, and he waved. It was cute and pathetic.

the last blog doesn't make sense unless i explain it a bit and you'll have to ask

Continuation of the blob

today and last night I have been quite figity. I do not know if this is because of my sleep pattern or for the fact that my brain just keeps going and leaves me far behind.
I do sense that this could be the cause for my recent requests for human contact other than work.

Pause for a brief moment and wonder.... close your eyes after reading the rest, and imagin you're at the top of a hill, grassy knoll, and you have a sweet spring breeze coming up toward you.

Each time I've closed my eyes for thoughts, this is what keeps coming up, beauty and dismissal. The beauty of the thought and the immidiate dismissal that it is not actually happening. It is quite deterring.

I just watched most of a good movie... Premonition. With Sandra Bullock. trippy things going on after bringing up thoughts of God and the Holy Grail from the movie before.

Skip back skip back, everything we hold dear most likely can't be held blame, responsible, truthful, right, or wrong.

How can you face God at church and in your mind and deny him. He may very well be there, it is the faith you deny not necessarily the belief. You can believe he's there or you may believe he's not... but you are believing...... something!!!

I'm not making any sense. I'm seriously sad. Look at how gross I am. No wonder no one wants to have anything to do with me. Then on top of that, having no self esteem makes me not want to go meet new people and try new things. Slowly and steadily I will.

I'd just like wonderful to show up for a while and fix some things.

Blob

I can't win. I got things wrong today. I got yelled at. Not really yelled at but discouragely spoken to dilligently. I got my hair cut. I went to look in the mirror and I AM DISGUSTING. This is how I feel right now.

If I have no self esteem then how can I get someone to like me if I don't like me? And nothing is working for me. It's so depressing and dumb.

Little Did They Know

Mah Ha ha ha ha.... someone gave me more credit today, to purchase things. It helps but I also got a little surprised. I do not have the best track record. Not on purpose for sure. Bills pile up, some things become more important than paying on time.

Anyway, the following is what I was able to purchase. Hopefully it goes well with the new headboard/footboard set I am getting delivered Saturday. I'm so super excited. I'll feel like such a grown up. Anyway, the bed part was previously purchased. The bedspread is what was bought today. It is reversible... cool! I know. What do you think? really...















The Chinese fan with the dragons will be coming down because the headboard is so large. Also, the crap in the corner will be cleaned up and cleared out. I'm just excited to feel like a grown-up again. My first furniture purchase :). I'm a huge nerd, but it'd kind of AWESOME!

I'll be sure to post pictures of it all together once it arrives and the correct skirt and everything is picked up etc.

Everyone pray that Joey does not purposely destroy this one or pee, puke, chew on, cough on, or shit on it. Same for me. :)

Sorry this is so superficial tonight. I hope all is well. Today was a better day than yesterday.

Goodnight, Love to all, Jengle

Insomnia

I think the mini-stress, the idea of mice, the lack of allergy meds, and missing people has got to me. Waking up at this time of morning to pee is one thing, staying up to walk around, watch tv, and get online is a problem I like to call my insomnia.

I woke up earlier because I couldn't get comfortable. I couldn't get comfortable because my chest was hurting. Having all the fans on to keep the place cool stirs up all the dust, the one airborne allergen I am susceptible to.

The reason I complain about these allergies and do nothing about them:
I called the pharmacy and set up my refill on Saturday. By the time I got there to pick it up, they were closed. Saturday was my last dose. Sunday really wasn't so terribly bad. Being outside, walking around, and sweating in the humidity I think kept it all at bay believe it or not.
Today, well technically yesterday (Monday), I didn't want to make Joey stay in his box for a really long time. So now, my plan, hoping the pharmacy is ready for me before I go to work, is to pick it up on the way into work. We'll see how productive that gets. I can't be late anymore.

Anyway, I got the asthma under control I think for temporary.

Itchy

You know when people ask you, "Have you ever just had one of those days?"

This was my today. Monday. I don't usually mind Mondays. I get paid, I plan out my week, I figure out some shit.

Today, it was like a backwards day. Nothing got figured out. I cried. I got mad. My allergies are going insane and my skin is crawling.

(my allergies are skin related)

I even tried just lying still in clean sheets, naked. Nope, didn't help. After the cool sheets got warm, everything itched. It's not like hives this time. It's like that really bad dry itch that you get the middle of December after you've turned on your electric blanket and stopped putting lotion on your skin to rehydrate. But not just your legs and you arms... EVERYWHERE. My face itches, my ankle itches, my eyeballs itch... not the way you'd think... you know all red and watery. Not they are like itchy eyelids and.... BLAH

On to less disgusting things.
I came home a little pissed off and very sad. So instead of the normal routine of Dirty Jobs, I picked a movie I recorded the other day, "The Lake House." I like Keanue Reeves, even though he's not the most talented actor & I like Sandra Bullock and him together. I think Keanue gets better with age, at least a little sexier.

I pretty much love this movie. It's a little different. I cried though. Probably too much, mostly because of the day I had.

You can tell, I want to talk about it, but I don't.

----

Other: My parents called me today and wanted to know if we're camping for the 4th. I said I'm not, it's normally too hot and I don't want to be babysitter. I rented a campsite for 3 nights. Who knows if anyone will even go out to it, but it's reserved and by the water at the lake and you can see the dam from it. This is important, as the Army Corp of Engineers shoots the fireworks off of the dam each year.

Anyone who wants to road trip it to Kansas let me know I'm sure we'll have room but you'll have to deal with my crazy family and it looks like both sides ... cool stuff, for real. They're crazy in all the good ways! :)

Love to all and to all a good night!

Of Mice & Men

Living by yourself has it perks but also it's downsides. I just woke up from Joey barking hysterically. It frightens me because I don't have another person here and at 4:15 AM there really shouldn't be much going on.

Au Contraire (sp?).

The day Sara moved out I started some spring cleaning of my own. I got the kitchen table half-way decent. It's messy again. I started cleaning things out of my room. I also got under the kitchen sink to see what was down there. Much to my surprise, there were mouse droppings, or what I thought looked similar to the mouse droppings I had seen in the past.

We had mice a few times when we lived in Lawrence and my parents fought an infestation (sounds worse than it was) of a family of mice last year. They were just in the basement, you know, eating through all of MY belongings. Who knows what they were after? I had stuff ruined from fecal matter and them just chewing on everything. Anyway, I can say that I definitely thought these were mouse turds.

I called the apartment complex and left a message. I think they think I complain about everything, but mice turds is sort of a big deal. If they aren't mice turds then they are really big insect turds... YIKES.

Anyway, they apartment complex put out a notice that the spring exterminator was going to be in our building the other day. I called to see if it was the building or my apartment because sometimes I can't tell from the notices (of course the world revolves around me and mine, so I just wanted to make sure). He was going to do a building a day or something to that affect. They said they would tell him to take an extra look and let me know.

Side Note: Yesterday... Saturday morning I pulled on the ONE drawer I have in the kitchen. The front panel broke off. So I called the office to get a maintenance request. I asked them about the exterminator and they didn't really know. It's ok, sometimes they don't communicate with each other.

I found out the exterminator was coming after I bought a mouse trap and some ant traps. It's spring/summer after all and ants liked our apartment for brief moments last year.

I set the trap right after I got off the phone with the office about the drawer.

Now, back to 4:20. Joey was barking. He came back from the kitchen area seemingly fine, I turned on my light and he just wagged his tail, like "Sorry Mom, I got scared." Stupid Dog!
I sat there for a minute in the bed and decided to check the mouse trap. I didn't hear anything but I usually don't until he barks.

I looked but couldn't tell but the trigger was up, not down like it's supposed to be when set (if I kill a mouse I don't want to see it so it's a covered up trap) and NO WAY was I pulling it out if there was one. So I went and got the flashlight.... much to my amazement, I saw gray fur and a little tail.

The office will be hearing from me tomorrow. I'm pissed. I mean I'm glad I caught it but for real. It was supposed to be taken care of and who knows if there's one, there's more and I don't want to be dealing with dead mice every day/night. YUCK!

People need to get their cats busy.

Mice don't live inside... and definitely NOT in MY kitchen. EWE..... I just want to go buy a bucket and some lysol and some lysol arisol and disinfect everything..... BLAH!

I hate killing things, except for ants, I hate ants more. I don't mind spiders if they stay away from me. They do their part to help. I hate a lot of insects but furry things. I try to avoid killing. Yes, I am a swerve'r of squirrels and rabbits. Yes, I talk to birds and squirrels when I am walking. I'm still a child a heart. I like these things, but I do not want to LIVE with them. Joey is an exception... he interacts with me for real. He depends on me for all of his food, not just the occasional rummage through the cabinet. He also has control of his bowel movements, whereas mice don't. Can you tell I'm uber pissed off right now and completely disgusted?

I am! I want to go wake everyone up. I'm not taking it out of the trap until morning and I feel safe walking to the dumpster. The other morning when I was walking Joey we saw what I think was a crack pipe in the grass where we're supposed to walk the dogs. I was like, "Oh great, I feel really safe now walking him back here!" I called Des Moines Narcotics that morning but didn't tell the office. Now I think I'd better. They've got some issues on their hands and I'm already sick of it.

It's like the first year is the honeymoon year and after that they don't pay attention and everything goes wrong. PSHh. I aint doin' it!

Update on the Update

I just read November's post. I guess some might like another update besides what Joey and I did today :)

On my birthday, November 29th I started working for Plaza Printers in Urbandale as their Graphic Designer/Pre-press. I love it. Very cool people. I'm busy all the time. I don't get yelled at for nothing, there's usually a good reason. I don't dread work. Work just makes me wish, like all do, that there were more hours in each day in order to get everything done and make everyone happy.

My mom broke her leg in November, right before Thanksgiving. It was a good thing I was unemployed because I was able to go home and stay there for a week helping her get around and to the doctor etc. and to help my dad.

My parents are doing well now! I'm really proud of both of them.

Withers moved out recently and I am writing from my new awesome office :). I will have to give it a name soon e.g. the bat cave. Or something.

I recently got satellite and you can see my internet is up and working.

For those of you who don't know, Joey is my dog. Here is a photo. He's pretty awesome. He gives high fives and talks, and dances.

Snaking

I have had an excellent day. Nothing spectacular, nothing so dull I had to write country songs about, but pleasant enough.

A few hours ago, I sat watching Indiana Jones Raiders of the Lost Ark. I DVR'd it the other day. Huge fan of this DVR stuff. I watched 300 last night. Never would have otherwise. It was a lot better than I thought. I thought it was going to be more gladiator-like and I'm super glad it wasn't. I was also impressed with the graphics. I was expecting awesome graphics as everyone told me I would really enjoy them. They have spawned an idea or series of ideas for a painting. So much for Koi and another mermaid. Back, blood, and rust will be running amok in it now. Perhaps, I will change my mind again.

After sitting and watching TV and doing laundry all day. I found myself bored and disappointed in myself for not accomplishing more today. So, I grabbed Joey after changing clothes and drove down Fluer. I wanted to see the water.

Once at the barracade, I was not satisfied with the slight glimpse of the pond sitting over Fluer. I had to see more. We drove over the 7th St. Bridge and followed 3rd Street to my favorite Bar Duet, Miller High Life and El Bait Shop. We parked and walked east over the railroad tracks to a rush of water.

Joey was busy sniffing all the dirt and grass and stink of sweaty people and sand. I was busy taking pictures of the pedestrian bridge I had failed to notice previously though I have been on the other bridges several times over the years. Who knows how I could miss a bright red bridge, my favorite color. I blame alcohol and tricks of light (there being none at night).

Oh well. Joey and I walked about 1/2 mile. Pretty good for a short fat girl and small goofy dog. My legs are tired and Joey is not passed out. :) No playing tonight, and I am fine with it all.

Snaking this is because of the memories of '93 flood. The movie Indiana Jones with all the snakes and the river itself. Winding down, threatening all she meets.